


I don't smell like anything

by CareBealeu



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Boyfriends, Boys In Love, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Florist Lee Jeno, Fluff and Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Lee Jeno is Whipped, Love Triangles, Love/Hate, M/M, Marking, Mating Bond, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Scent Marking, Wolf Pack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-07
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-04-18 01:05:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14201679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CareBealeu/pseuds/CareBealeu
Summary: "It's just my scent. It's a mistake.""You don't understand. Your scent marks me as yours."----Jeno smells like pack even though he's not a wolf. It fucks with Jaemin's head.





	1. Moomin

**Author's Note:**

> My first NCT fanfic! I'm so excited!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Enters Renjun

Jeno sighs as he finishes cleaning the floral boutique.

Sales were slow that day, Jeno already gritting his teeth at the looming rent a few days away. It's been weeks with no profit due to the winter months and his bank account has slowly been dwindling down. If it carries on like this, he has no choice but to close his shop down and nothing else would break his heart.

"We'll think of something yeah?"

The florist talks to the flower that had been a tight bud only days ago and now beginning to open, blooming to deeper blush of pink. The winter should still be in force but steadily, spring pushes it back to moderate temperatures and the kind of gentle breeze one doesn't notice. Jeno stretch his fingers out to touch the silky pink petals, they're cooler than he'd expected, smoother too. Even thinking of giving up such beauty has him gripping unto the counter to ground himself.

The familiar sound of tingling bells stop his pity party.

"I'm sorry but the shop has clo-"

It's almost cliche how Jeno gulps his words down at the sight of the boy's eyes. They are brown but not the kind of shade that's easy to describe. It's almost like they are both brown and caramel at the same time, with yellow creeping in around the edges as if it's trying to take over. He blinks and the beauty is momentarily covered by the shield of his eyelashes; naturally long and soft looking - feminine compared to the rest of his well structured features. By the time the boy's eyes opened again, Jeno still hasn't recovered.

The stranger looks as equally as dumbstruck at something, eyes narrowing as if he's trying to figure something out.

Jeno clears his throat, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah." The boy advances, studying Jeno closely before sighing in frustration. "I just thought I smelled something in here."

It's almost comical how bright Jeno's face turns at the mention of scent, "It's probably my flowers. They lure a lot of people because of their smell!" He skips towards the boy's side, pointing to the corner which is particularly perfumed by the heavy scent of the lilies. Their white petals striking against the backdrop of stone walls, "Maybe these are the ones you smelled?"

When Jeno turns around, he nearly yelps with surprise. The boy is so close to him, eyes furrowed close. "No, definitely not the lilies. Something sweeter. Spicier." He growls in frustration and Jeno has to turn away to hide his blush at the sound.

"I don't think we sell those scents in here. Maybe a mistake?"

The other nods but he doesn't look entirely convinced. "What do I smell like?"

Jeno sputters out a response, "Pardon?"

"Me." He crowds Jeno's space as he unbuttons his shirt. Jeno would've surely fainted if it wasn't for the white tank underneath, "What do I smell like?"

And then Jeno smells it. It's subtle, but it's there. It smells like damp earth but yet clean. Like wet leaves. Like, "-after rain."

The other stills for a moment before hurriedly buttoning his shirt and scrambling away, "How?"

Jeno barely formulates an answer and then he was gone. The sound of running feet the only sign of his previous presence.

Sighing in confusion, Jeno decides to continue closing up, trying to forget the weird incident. By the time he's done, the shop is clean and organised, ready for another day tomorrow. There's no longer sunlight outside, the night having already fallen. He bites the inside of his cheek, hearing the wind howl as he leaves the shop after locking up.

Jeno curses as he frigidly fights against the harsh winter wind. Tomorrow the promise of spring will blossom as flowers do, yet today the wind blows cold. He feels the wetness in his feet as the remnants of snow seep into his shoes while walking. He hates himself for not wearing more layers, thinking he could toughen the day out with only a shirt and jacket. It's one of those days when normal clothes aren't enough, when they feel thinner than they are. His breaths rise in puffs before him, arms hugging himself.

He almost rejoices when he sees his apartment complex at the end of the street. He looks around the street, checking for any vehicles before sprinting towards his home. Bad idea.

"What the fuck are you doing!"

The sound of skidding wheels snatch his attention. He starts talking before he processes what happened.

"I'm so sorry!" He turns towards the bike, the rider looking less than happy as he studies Jeno for injuries from afar.

There's some fumbling and a sharp inhale. Only then did Jeno notice there is another figure behind the driver. His face is hidden behind a helmet but he still hears the panicked voice.

"Mark let's go." The voice hisses and Jeno struggles to connect it to a face he's seen before.

"Watch where you're going next time. You could've been hit." Mark nods his head at Jeno one last time before slipping his helmet on and driving away.

Jeno turns to apologise once more only to catch the unmistakeable scent of fresh rain.

 

* * *

 

Jeno can't help but compare the night with his own state of mind. Just like pitter patter of rain outside, his insides are in a chaos. A mess. Something is bothering him. Something aches inside him. Something feels so wrong, so invalid but Jeno can't tell what. He tries to pin point the cause for this unexplained... emptiness but fails. Everything feels so out of place, just like a jumbled set of a puzzle.  
  
He clicks on his phone to check the time.

2:24 am.

He has to wake up in 4 hours to prepare for the flower shop but there's not an ounce of slumber in his system. So he gets up instead, slides the reading glasses from his bedside and puts his shoes on from under his bed. It isn't the first time insomnia disturbs his sleep, but certainly never before has he felt this thrumming under his veins so deep into dawn.

He tiptoes as he greets the night outside. The rain has stopped and he smells the scent of fresh rain, a scent he's recently been obsessing over. Usually it would be the smell of his flowers that he'd seek. But not that night. He breathes it all in.

The streets always look different at night. Even with the glasses, everything has an unfamiliar slant to it. As if the daytime trees and flowers and stones had gone to bed and sent slightly more ominous versions of themselves to take their places. 

Jeno can't tell which version of his street he prefers. 

And then there it is.

The sweet, fresh, powerfully evocative smell of fresh rain. 

It doesn't make sense how he can isolate the smell from the identical ones around him, but he does.

His feet unconsciously drag him towards where the scent is strongest, and he doesn't even realise it's in an alleyway until the last ray of the streetlights gets covered. There is the unmistakable feel of eyes following his every move, but he foolishly keeps on walking. Jeno doesn't like the feeling of being watched yet he doesn't turn to look in case the smell of rain disappears.

The decision is made for him however when he hears a low growl coming from the darkness... Now he's terrified.

From the shadows comes a wolf, yet no ordinary one. It moves to block the alley exit, staring at Jeno with almost human eyes. The only sound in the entire street is it's breathing, flaring nostrils taking in Jeno's scent. It curls it's mouth to reveal sharp teeth and then lets out a low rumbling growl. 

He doesn't know why he talks, but he later blames it on nerves, "Please don't hurt me! I didn't mean to disturb I just thought I smelled something."

The wolf continues to stare, unblinking. 

"I don't mean no harm. I just- I couldn't sleep and the night. It- it calms me I'm so sorry..." His sobs echo across the alley, his knees buckling under him. This is it, he thinks. He's going to get mauled by a rabid animal just because he thought he smelled something, stupid, stupid-

He hears a whimper. The wolf is suddenly beside him, crouching down and nudging Jeno's hands with it's head. It doesn't look so scary anymore, more like a dog begging to be pet. So he does, and it's fur is so soft. And it smells like rain. 

"You had a shower in the rain little guy-" Jeno realises it doesn't like being called little when it gently nips at Jeno's hand, "Ok, ok, not little... You're not gonna hurt me are you?"

Jeno's utterly surprised when the wolf shakes his head as if it were human disagreeing. He huffs a laugh in disbelief. 

"You can understand me-" There's a clang behind them that disrupts his sentence, and apparently disrupts his newfound friend too as it scrambles away, back into the darkness. "No wait!"

It's no use. There is no longer a sign of the animal, Jeno grunts in frustration.

"For someone who doesn't like getting called little, you're awfully flighty... I'll come back tomorrow then. I'll bring some food for you, please come back then."

Jeno waits a few more beats before standing up and patting himself down. 

"We'll see each other tomorrow I guess..."

Walking back to the way of his apartment, he realises that the feeling of being watched hasn't stopped.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments in this fic overwhelms me so much, seriously y'all are just too nice! Thank you so much!


	2. Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno doesn't like the feeling of being watched yet he doesn't turn to look in case the smell of rain disappears.

Jeno awakes to the steady patter of rain upon his window, droplets yet to scatter the nascent rays of rising sun. The sound brings a calmness to his mind, a soothing melody, a natural lullaby.

A niggling voice in his mind tells him that the smell of rain has never been so prominent in his room before.

Jeno knows it's still early when he still struggles to navigate through his room due to lack of sunshine through his blinds. He can hear the drum of rain on the window pane and it brings his thoughts back to the weird night he had. He finds that he's oddly excited for the day to end when it has barely started so he can have a midnight walk back to the same alleyway again.

He skips breakfast. He knows he's going to regret that by the time the sun is up, but making a sandwich is just beyond the scope of his abilities right now. He grabs the uniform prepared hanging on his wardrobe and get dressed. 

His phone pings on the night-stand. He already know who the text is from.

**Get your ass over to the shop. I forgot my keys and it's pouring outside.**

**\- moomin**

Jeno fights a smile, the image of his dear friend scowling outside the flower shop dressed in his school uniform proving to be a very cute visual.

 

* * *

 

Jeno's hair whips back as he let his feet off the pedals of his bike. He flies down the hill at a frightening speed but he can't bring himself to care. His bike really isn't anything special, just the cheapest one at the bike store. But it holds the sentiment of being the first thing he bought when he moved to Seoul.

The rain has ceased just before he'd left the house and the sun has finally risen.

He laughs at the sight of Renjun before he even parks his bicycle.

"Stop laughing, I was cold!" The other growls as he continues shivering under a humongous coat. Renjun isn't small, but being swaddled under the thing, he looks like he's drowning in it.

"Don't be dramatic. Catch." He throws the shop keys at Renjun, leaving him to open up as he starts locking his bike.

The shop itself is small, wedged between two other buildings. It looks squeezed, the flowers overflowing outside of the building. But it's quaint and the best thing that Jeno can afford. Plus, he fixed it up once he got the lease, painting it a 'comfy' shade of grey and carpeting the terraced pavement with fake flowers. He thinks it looks rather nice now.

"How was yesterday? I'm sorry I couldn't help out but my family was over and I couldn't just leave them." Renjun is already at the counter, trimming stems when Jeno enters. Jeno can't help but notice his friend's odd behaviour whenever he talks about his family. He knows that he has lots of siblings - apparently - and his parents rarely visit them. He's never met any of Renjun's family, no matter how much he asked to.

"It's ok, it wasn't even busy. Mrs Jeong popped by to collect her order and that was pretty much it." Jeno sighs, "We got an inquiry about a wedding next month, the couple asked if we could do centrepieces for 15,000 won each-"

"That's ridiculous. That covers nothing." Renjun runs his hand through his hair, frustrated for Jeno, "You barely make enough as it is, why does this whole damn city think that we pick flowers off the ground? What's their number, I'll call them up. If only to break down actual price costs to their head, the stingy bas-"

"Hey, calm." Jeno giggles, leaning his hip on the counter and joining Renjun at work, "I sorted it out, I managed to bargain it to 20,000 and they're asking for  _sixty_ pieces Min. That's  _1200000_ _won!_ That covers the rent already."

Renjun smiles in response, idling up to Jeno to offer a hug, "That's great news!"

Renjun had been there for Jeno when people laughed at his dream of opening a boutique at his barely-eighteen-age. He quit school at 16, travelled to Seoul and was determined to come back to his hometown and family with wealth that they'd never had the chance to experience.

But almost two years later, and he's still barely making ends meet.

"Plus I can probably pay you next month-"

"Shut up. This is voluntary work."

Jeno starts whining before he even finishes his sentence.

"Come  _on!_  You've been helping me out for months for free!"

"And I'll be helping out for months more. Only until you get on your feet and hire an actual experienced florist. Do I need to remind you about the time I gave a poor boy Chrysanthemums for his promposal."

They both erupt into laughter at the memory. Jeno had been dealing with another customer at the time when the teenager asked for "romantic flowers." Renjun still had limited knowledge about flowers at the time (still does actually) and decided to sell him some funeral flowers. The boy came back the next day with a triumphant smile, holding his date's hand where the Chrysanthemum corsage adorned.

At least he got his date.

"Speaking of prom..."

Unlike Jeno, Renjun's an actual student: Another thing Jeno admires about him. He comes to the shop in the wee hours of the morning to help Jeno set up before his classes, runs to the shop during lunch rushes and comes back yet again straight after school. He doesn't know how his friend does it and equally as clueless as how he managed to snag such a loyal and kind friend. 

"Who's the lucky girl?" Jeno looks up from his task when the pause gets too long. Renjun has his brows furrowed, lips between his teeth as if he's trying to stop himself from saying something. "Min?"

Renjun snaps out of his stupor, "Oh. I had someone in mind but actually I don't think they'd want to anymore. But I have another choice though. There's this girl in my class called Hina. She's nice." He shrugs.

Jeno cooes in a teasing manner, "Does my little Moomin have a crush?"

"Shut up. I'm older than you."

"Yeah by  _exactly_ a month!" 

"Still... Anyway. I don't know if I'm even bothered to go to prom. Won't the shop be busy during prom season-"

"Huang Renjun you are going and that's final. You're not welcome here again if you don't go. Here." Jeno thrusts the corsage he's been working on for the past five minutes. "Go get your crush."

The other only smiles in longing at Jeno.

 

 

* * *

 

 

This is what I'm imaging Jeno's shop to look like (apart from the shop name obviously):

 

 


	3. Mutt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno and the wolf get closely acquainted.

By the time Jeno gets home, night has fallen as it envelopes the city in a blanket of darkness. He scurries off his bike and down the path towards his house, shoes slapping against the stone steps that led to his front door.  
  
The metal of the doorknob is cool against his palm as twists it with ease, entering the small studio.

His hunger makes its presence known with an embarrassingly loud rumble from his stomach. He remembers the beef slices in his fridge and decides to cook himself Gochujang beef (adding an extra portion to take with him for his late night excursion later).

As he cooks, he thinks back to the animal he saw- met?- last night. As far as he knows, there aren't any wolves in the city, unless the local zoo lost one of its inhabitants. But the wolf didn't seem like it had been caged, it looked liberated. Smart. Almost human.

And its eyes, they remind him of someone.

He thinks hard, trying to solve everything but eventually gives up when he notices the dark smell of nearly-burnt meat.

Once the food is finished, he eats rapidly, stuffing his mouth too full. His mind is wary that if he's late to his  _walk_ , a certain mut might get impatient and disappear.

He has no idea on how to pack food for wolves, so he settles for a Tupperware container. He used to feed his three cats back home through the same thing, so he supposes it'll do.

_Not like the wolf has proper dining etiquette anyway._

Once he's packed and ready, he greets the midnight outside and heads for the same alley he went to the night before.

It's as eery as Jeno expected.

There is that lingering feeling of being watched again, but it doesn't send the same chills down his spine like the last time.

"Hello? I- I brought food." He crouches down and clears his throat, not liking how much it wavers, "It's meat. I didn't know if you preferred it cooked or not, but I cooked it anyway."

After a few minutes of silence, he nearly gives up until he feels fur on the back of his arms. He turns slowly, wary of scaring the wolf. 

The unmistakable smell of rain washes over him. It puzzles him as it had been dry the whole day, he eventually chalks it up to the wolf probably hunting in a well-drenched forest nearby or something. Wolves hunt right?

Like last time, the wolf shows no sign of aggression, appearing almost docile and shy as it rubs its furry body all over Jeno's chest. Jeno merely giggles as he smells the scent of rain getting printed all over his body.

"Hey buddy." He greets, petting the wolf and reaching forward for his plastic bag to offer the dog, "Hungry?"

When Jeno turns back, the wolf is resting flat on its belly, tail wagging. What catches his eye however is the scars that loitered around its body. He subconsciously reaches out a hand to study it, however the wolf sniffs the outstreched hand, springing up and pushing its weight unto Jeno until he loses his balance crouching and falls on his legs.

Jeno smiles instead of yelping in surprise.

"I'm guessing that's a yes." Jeno opens the Tupperware container, dangling a piece of meet in front of the wolf. It yips in excitement before devouring the food, reaching down to get more. Merely seconds has passed and the food is all gone. 

"Woah, you  _are_ hungry. I think I'll have to start feeding you from now on." Jeno doesn't even mind the extra cost of added food, more grateful of his newfound friend (human or not, he'll take what he can get) than worrisome of his already tight budget.

The wolf looks sheepish as it almost cowers into itself, brown orbs widening further.

"Are you-" Jeno guffaws into the night, "Oh my gosh you are! You're actually giving me the puppy dog eyes!" His friend huffs in what sounds like a wolf equivalent to a laugh. "Yeah I'll feed you. Just promise you won't leave me hanging here one night."

Jeno feels a bit silly, talking to a wolf that seems like it understands him even though it's highly unlikely. What would other people think if they see him?

But as it springs up and pounces on the boy to lick his face in agreement, he finds that he doesn't really care. 

 

* * *

 

 

The morning after, Jeno's day starts off terribly. It may have something to do with the fact that he barely slept that night due to playing with a certain wolf until the wee hours of the morning.

And then he receives a texts from Renjun asking for a dew days of sick leave, nothing but a cryptic message of a stomach bug.

It doesn't sit right with Jeno yet he can't do anything about it, not like he can force the boy to come into work. And not like he can visit the boy either, after months of friendship Renjun is still adamant about not showing Jeno his home. Jeno tries to call his friend, but his calls are left unanswered.

But Jeno's nothing if not determined, so he decides to look around. He leaves the shop and walks to the direction Renjun usually heads to. He knows what to look for- Renjun's scooter in the driveway or something. It can't be that far, since Renjun insists its only walking distance and never lets Jeno pay for taxi. But after an hour of fruitless attempts, he gives up. 

When Jeno arrives back at the shop, his heart stops.

He forgot to lock up before he left. Thoughts of the till being open, holding money and his phone carelessly displayed on the counter plaguing his mind.

He runs inside, internally praying as he does so. But when he carefully studies around, nothing seems amiss.

Apart from the coffee cup on his desk.

There is no note attached from whom the coffee is from yet one sniff tells Jeno that it's his favourite - hazelnut latte. He sinks into his chair and immediately opens his CCTV records, only to find that the past hour of footage is deleted.

"What?"

Only he and Renjun knows the password to get into the system.

"Maybe it's from Renjun?" He thinks aloud, "But that doesn't make sense... He's sick and he'd at least leave a note."

A flash of panic rises in his chest, anxiousness taking over. But he tells himself to calm down. It must've been Renjun.

He turns his attention back to the cup, holding it. It's still hot. He wants to resist until he knows who and where its from, but without a conscious thought the cup is pressed against his lips and the beverage down his throat. 

It tastes exactly like the one he gets from the cafe down the road. His suspicions are confirmed, it's probably from Renjun. Only he would know that about Jeno.

He grins to himself, thinking that his friend is probably just apologising from the surprise sick leave. 

He checks the time to find out that he's already wasted two hours. He mentally berates himself, especially knowing of the large wedding order looming over his head. 

Usually in the morning, he would write himself a list of chores and then sit on his desk with his coffee as he ponders the tasks he has to do. So, not really any different to what he's currently doing, albeit minus the to-do list. 

He finds that the thought of going about his morning routine without Renjun though is quite a bland morning indeed. Even if most early mornings end with Renjun running out the door as he's brinking on being late for class.

He hears laughter from outside. Jeno can see a regular customer, Chenle, coming his way. From the bouncy stride, he knows there's a grin plastered on his face. So typical for the boy to be happy in the morning. He usually drops by once a week in the morning, upbeat, joking and looking for banter.   
  
"Morning Lele"

"Good morning hyung! Where's your boyfriend?" Chenle winks, grinning wider, then lowers his voice. "Heard his school's prom is near, are those corsages over there for him, know what I mean?" Jeno does know what he means. It makes him blush. His regular customers tease them both about their unusually close friendship  _all_ the time, he just doesn't know where they're coming from.

He forces a grin. "You brat. You gotta stop man, it's gonna start getting awkward between us real soon if you don't. Plus, you know he doesn't swing that way," he pauses, "Between the two of us anyway, I think I should be teasing you. How's Jisung?"

Chenle sputters, lost now that the tables are turned.

"He's fine." Jeno scoffs when Chenle's voice cracks, "You ass. I've caught a cold."

"More like you caught cupid's arrow."

Jeno starts running as he says the sentence, Chenle hot on his heels.

"Yah come back here-" 

Jeno wants to say that it's the motion of bumping into someone that sent him literally sprawled on his ass. But in truth, it's the overwhelming smell of after rain that muddled his brain enough to buckle his knees.

It takes him a short while to recover, but by then there's already a strong pair of arms holding him and a pair of worried brown eyes studying his face. 

It's him.

His eyes shows gentle concern as he lays his hand on Jeno's shoulder, and instead of flinching like he usually does, Jeno stays put. The stranger leaves his hand there and speaks with such a soft voice that it takes Jeno a second to process what he said.

"Are you alright?"

Jeno breathes a silent "ok", gripping unto the boy's arms to heave himself up.

"- shit sorry I shouldn't have chased you hyung."

Turning around, he sees a guilty looking Chenles fiddling with his thumbs. 

"It's fine." He feels himself getting pat over, the stranger feeling around to check for any damage. Jeno blushes, scandalised. "G-guys seriously I'm fine!" Jeno laughs away the awkwardness that follows, "I literally fall every single day, this is nothing for me."

The reassurance works for Chenle, but apparently not for the other as he continues visually checking Jeno but takes his hands off him.

Silence hangs thick in the air, prompting Chenle to flee the shop with only a haste farewell.

"Is there anything I can do for you Mr..."

He feels a sense of deja vu, finding himself back to their very first conversation.

"It's Jaemin. Call me Jaemin." Jeno feels glad that he can finally connect the face with a name. "And I just... I was just dropping by actually. I saw your shop was open before with no one inside, so I got worried. Seoul's got a lot of burglars..."

It's a flimsy excuse, but Jeno takes it nonetheless, "One of my workers is out of commission due to a sickness bug so I was just looking for him. I don't have anyone else to watch the shop. It's just that." He sighs in frustration. "There's a huge order that I have to get done soon and I don't think I can do it on my own." He doesn't know why he spills his worries to Jaemin, but something in his eyes almost compels him to. Like he owes it to him.

"I'll do it."

_What?_

"What?"

"I'm also looking for a job and you said you need it don't you?"

Jeno stares at the other, weighing his options.

"Flower arrangement is no joke. It's not just tying a bunch of flowers together you know. It's hard work. " 

"I know, I'm a hard worker." 

Although he's only met Jaemin twice, he somehow knows already that Jaemin isn't lying.

"I can't offer you much. Not like hourly wages or anything."

"Pay me with flowers instead." Jaemin scratches his head as he tries to explain, "I'm advertising for a new house mate, and so far my apartment is not selling. I'm off work for two weeks and I really need to find a housemate by the end of that. You're a florist, so you would know how much flowers can make a place look good. I don't. So flowers, and making my apartment look sell-able. That's what I'm asking for."

It's a weird arrangement, but one that works for the both of them. Jeno contemplates but he sees no loophole.

"Ok. We'll start now if you're free?"

Jaemin smiles for the first time since Jeno's seen him. And it takes Jeno's breath away.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you think Jeno smells like to the wolf?


	4. Diary Entry 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno starts a diary

~~_I'm never sure how to start these things. Especially when there is so much to figure out._ ~~

~~_Today's been a nice day at work. Ever since I stopped keeping score, or holding onto the guilt of having bad days at work, things have been better._ ~~

~~_It's a fine line of focusing on the things you can offer v. focusing on the things you do or don't have. I have trouble with it a lot. It's really rather conveniently selfless to just put your insecurities aside and provide good energy to those around you. And I wonder if it's a good thing to do that and get energy back from that love that you don't feel you have but give anyway._ ~~

 

 

_Hello, my brand new diary._

_I am so very happy to meet you!_

_I love to write very much, and journaling is often very beneficial to me. I have so many racing thoughts, and emotions that are so enormous and that are more often than not ON FIRE, that being able to write out ramblings help me to organize my mind and tame my more wild, negative emotions. It also helps me process and appreciate the positive things and life._

_That’s it for now, my dear Diary. I love you. Thank you for listening. I will write more soon._

_Love, Jeno_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this isn't the kind of update you've been hoping for.   
> I'm planning to add these in once in a while, just to provide and insight as to what Jeno is actually thinking.


	5. Scent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin reveals his true nature

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to give a HUGE shoutout to the following people:
> 
> @ArtemisCL  
> @chenchen_99  
> @JongDaeDreamer  
> @JunghoSHOOK  
> @Notsofakingchill  
> @emberlocket  
> @xxCuteJungkookxx  
> @Mixhwan
> 
> You guys have just been awesome with your comments, and although the story hasn't even properly progressed yet, you guys have just shown it so much love. Honestly, you probs don't know how much your kind words mean to me and I hope to see you guys around throughout the whole story :)

Jeno watches the clock tick to 6am just as the shop door open to reveal Jaemin.

Unlike Jeno (who must look like a mess) Jaemin looks effortlessly put together- a white jumper hanging offf his body loosely whilst a pair of skinny jeans hug his thighs perfectly - Jeno is almost annoyed at how good the other manages to lookso early in the morning.

"Good morning." The florist greets as he hauls a large box of flowers from below the counter. Jaemin is beside him in an instant, taking the heavy thing off him with as much a smile on his face. 

"Let me." He quips, setting the box on the counter. It amazes Jeno how quickly they fall in sync, Jaemin already opening the box with a craft knife as Jeno boots his laptop up.

"Thanks." And in a bout of word vomit, "You look erm... You look good."

Jaemin's cheeks are suddenly kissed pink like a spring rose, the blooming colour so cute against his cheeks. Instead of replying, he looks away and finds a distraction with the flowers at hand, standing to wash some at the sink. Jeno hangs back, allowing him time to compose himself while fighting back the smile that wants to break out. He doesn't miss Jaemin's bright smile however just as he places the back of his hand against his mouth as if to cover it.

"Once the stems are rid of soil, you can place them to dry here." Jeno calls, pointing towards the counter just as he starts placing paper towels on it. "I thought you had no experience. With the way your washing those stems, seems to me you know what you're doing."

"I uh..." The other scratches his nape in thought, "... stayed up last night googling how to do this. I'm still nowhere near ready to work unsupervised yet but I think I know the basics."

Jeno's heart swells. He can't believe Jaemin took the time and effort to do that when Jeno would literally be paying him nothing.

"That's really kind of you. I guess I'll just teach you on the job then. Here, help me make a mood board for the wedding."

Jeno takes his laptop and beckons Jaemin to one of the tables.

The bride-to-be thankfully isn't as strict with her demands as Jeno thought she's going to be. As usual, the customer has sent him a guideline as to what type of arrangement she wants and basic schemes of the wedding- nothing too difficult from what Jeno can see.

Her dress is a traditional Korean wedding attire- a dark fuchsia dress that shouldn't clash too much with the flowers Jeno envisioned beforehand. And flowing nicely on, the theme is merely a traditional Hangul wedding. 

_Probably dark pink roses would look nice, sturdy for centrepieces as well, not to mention it's basically the most romantic flower of all... Of course some Hydrangeas as fillers, white ones would compliment the roses... He initially thought of orchids, but remembers how expensive they are in the late winter season and how delicate and fragile they can be... Carnations can be a nice substitute instead..._

In his reverie, Jeno forgets that he's not alone.

"- budget?"

He luckily catches the last word, formulating a response purely by guessing, "Their budget is a bit on the low side, so I don't think we'll go too crazy and big on the centrepieces. Something small but effective. I don't want it to be too plain." He sighs, "Renjun, my old partner, usually draws some arrangement ideas but he's not really here so I guess we'll have to settle for good old google."

Jaemin must've sensed the dip in mood as he suddenly smiles at Jeno, giving him a thumbs up, "We can do this. Come on."

Jeno merely laughs in response, already searching the internet.

By the time they've collated some pictures for inspiration, it's already busy outside, signalling the official start to city life.

Just as Jaemin admitted, it was obvious that he lacked experience as they browsed through pictures; but he more than made up for it with his endless enthusiasm and extremely good Photoshop skills. He had the brilliant idea that instead of drawing, he can edit existing pictures to fit exactly what Jeno wanted. It took them a while, but the resulting image was like it was taken from Jeno's head itself.

They print the picture as an A1 poster, sticking it on the wall so they can clearly see the design.

Jaemin calls to Jeno from behind, confirming that their supplier have the flowers they need and had agreed to the price they offered.

Jeno's delighted that everything is going well and that his new friend is finally coming out of his shy shell.

"Thanks! Now I can finally relax, I'm starving as well." Jeno huffs, patting Jaemin on the back.

"I heard the cafe-"

Jaemin's interrupted by the ringing of Jeno's cellphone. Jeno holds a finger, signalling he'll only be a minute.

 

**Chenle is calling...**

**[Accept] ~~[Ignore]~~**

_Hello?_

_Hyung!_

_'Le? Is everything ok?_

_No, he's gone._

_Sorry I don't think I heard you right. What happened?_

_Haven't you heard? Renjun hyung is missing._

 

Jeno cuts the call.

He turns back towards Jaemin, but too slowly to be normal. When he speaks his voice trails slowly, like his words are unwilling to take flight. There is a sadness in his eyes, the brown too glossy.

"He-" He hiccups his way through the sentence, "He's gone."

He speaks as if he can't quite believe it himself. 

He suddenly feels arms wrap around his shoulders and pulling him close, gently rubbing his back. Despite the heaviness in his stomach, it flutters at the feeling of his body pressed against Jaemin's. He sinks into the warmth of his side, appreciative of the simple gesture. His touch is the final push that sends Jeno sobbing, though the weight of the bleak news no longer feels crushing.

"We'll find him. I promise you." Jaemin comforts Jeno with his words and the continuous strokes on his back.

After a while, Jeno's head clears and reminds him of who he's actually leaning against. Not that he has anything against Jamin (quite the opposite in fact) but he doesn't like the overwhelming feeling he gets whenever the other gets too close. Or the compelling scent of rain that washes over him.

"I'm probably just overreacting. He's probably just late getting home."

But that doesn't make sense. Chenle wouldn't call him so suddenly and worry him if he wasn't entirely sure that Renjun is missing. He knows how anxious this would make Jeno feel. 

"Listen. You don't -  _We_ don't really know each other that well but I need you to trust me." Jeno looks up at Jaemin, "Have you got anything of his that holds his scent?"

"His... scent?" Jeno backs away, discomfort clear in his face.

"He's not at home. I know he's not." Jaemin continuous, oblivious to how suddenly Jeno stills, "If you really want to find where Renjun is, you have to trust me. I can find him."

"I never told you my friend's name." Jeno accuses darkly, gripping unto the table behind him, "Nor where he lives. _I_ don't even know that myself. Did  _you_ take him?" His tone turns more accusatory by the word, face twisting into anger.

Jaemin runs his hand through his hair, frustrated. "No! Look, I've been watching you and Renjun for a while-"

"What did you just say?" Jeno almost shrieks, grabbing the metal table and swinging it in front of him to act as a barrier. "You tell me who you really are right now or- or I'll call the police. Right now." Jeno's proud his voice doesn't waver, a complete false reflection of the inner turmoil he's feeling.

He regrets ever allowing the boy to be near him. The image of Renjun, getting stalked and preyed over by a stranger sends chills down his spine.

There's a moment when Jaemin almost wants to tell him everything. But he remembers all of his  _brothers_ that he'd be putting in danger if he as much breathes a word of truth. So he pleads Jeno with his eyes.

"I can't. Just trust me."

There's also a moment when Jeno want to. The other's honest eyes leaving Jaemin's intentions completely transparent, and there's nothing sinister about it at all. But then he sees Renjun again, and his control snaps.

"Get out."

"Pardon?"

"I said  _get out._ " Jeno slams his palms down on the table, "I don't know who you are or what you want with me and Renjun but I don't want to see you here ever again."

Jaemin takes a step forward in desperation, only for Jeno to growl in warning. His eyes widen, "Jeno-"

" _Out!_ "

As much as it pains, Jaemin drags himself to the door.

"I'll bring Renjun back to you. I promise."  


* * *

 

The darkness at the edge of the alley shifts, and Jeno sees his wolf hunching over its paws, nostrils sniffing towards the ground.

Hours has passed and there's still no news about Renjun's disappearance. Chenle told him that he found out about Renjun through his teachers' worry of his absence. And even worse, Jeno finds out that Renjun is an orphan.

An orphan.

His bestfriend is an orphan and he had no idea. The worst type of guilt drowned him for the whole day, rendering him useless to the search for Renjun.

He'd just been wandering round the streets through the dead of night when he remembers the wolf that's probably been waiting for him. So he ran to the same alleyway, relief and comfort flooding him as soon as he sees the wolf. He doesn't know why.

Jeno's relief at seeing it is cut short when it lifts his head and stalks towards Jeno, letting the midnight street lights fall across its face. Jeno can now see his eyes.

There's something solemn and familiar swimming in its eyes. Their stunning, dark brown holding his own in hypnosis. The despairing chill that they convey makes Jeno feel nostalgic.

Jeno looks away; he can't bear it. Jeno can't explain it, but he  _feels_ it. He feels something inside him click, understanding slowly taking root.

“I'm sorry to keep you waiting.” He whispers, voice wrecked from the screams he let out earlier.

The wolf doesn't growl in annoyance, as he had expected. Instead, it's as still as a statue, its eyes watching his face as if studying it.

“I forgot your food, I'm sorry... Had a lot on my mind. Truth is, my best friend went missing,” Jeno shares, as if the wolf can understand. “They called him a 'runaway'. That since he's already eighteen, he's not their responsibility anymore. Cruel right?”

It stares at Jeno for a minute longer, motionless, unblinking. And then its brilliant eyes closes, head ducked and tail lowered. Like it shares Jeno's sorrow.

It's the saddest thing Jeno had ever seen.

Slowly, barely moving, he approaches it, afraid of scaring it away. Its ears flick, acknowledging his presence but otherwise remains still. Jeno crouches, dropping beside the wolf. He flinches as he lands. He's close enough to smell the strong whiff of after rain and feel the utter dryness of its fur. An enigma.

Then he feels a strong urge to hold it, so he does— he puts his hand to its dense but soft fur, and when it doesn’t flinch, he buries both hands in it. It's like an instinct, coating himself in the scent and warmth of the wolf. With a low groan, the wolf responds by pressing its head against Jeno, eyes still closed. Jeno holds it as if it's no more than a family dog, though its almost wild, sharp scent won’t let him forget what it really is.

For a moment, Jeno forgets where he is and his previous worries. He forgets the confirmation deep inside him of the nature of the wolf he's holding and the boy with the transparent eyes.

And just for that moment, it didn’t matter.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk to me on either of these:  
> Tumblr: @dearstress  
> Instagram: @shawtie_0801
> 
> I'd love to connect with y'alls!


	6. Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno wishes that it was all just a dream

Jeno dreams that night.

In the dream the sky is blue, the birds sing and there is a bee on clover nearby. The streams run clear and there are fish in the pond. Next to him is a small boy. Jeno opens his mouth to greet him, but nothing comes out.

The little boy throws his head back and giggles like only a young child can. It's that infectious kind of laugh that lights up adults – like an echo of the children they once were.

On the surface of the pond there is a duck, white with the most orange bill you ever saw, dipping his head in the water and shaking it. The drops fly outward, landing in the almost ripple-free water to make tiny waves that move outward in ever growing circles.

The unnamed boy claps before digging his hands into the bread crumb bag and throwing it as far as he can, which isn't very. The duck quacks and swims in, his wake stretching behind in a classic v-shape. It waddles out following the trail and now Jeno has to restrain the pre-schooler as he dives forward to greet it. The duck raises his head, moving it side to side, deciding if the treat is worth the danger. Jeno drags him back a few paces and the duck goes back to the bread, eating it with surprise vigor.

Jeno feels fondness take root in his heart.

It was all going so well, but then the calm gets halted by a loud sound, a gunshot. The little boy is on his feet in an instant, running. But not away from the source of the sound, but towards it. 

Panicked, Jeno calls after him but he won't return.

And then he sees the boy change shape. Bones crackling and elongating. Skin growing fur. He blinks and there's no longer a boy running. Instead there's a wolf sprinting full speed to where he sees a blurred figure holding a gun.

Before he can think, the gun is held up, pointed towards the wolf.

 

An ominous boom startles Jeno out of his abysmal nightmare.

His cheeks are wet and his body is bathed in a cold sweat. The sheets are twisted around his limbs, probably because he was thrashing in his sleep. His heart pounds against his chest.

Jeno trembles. The room is entirely dark. No light anywhere. The remnants of his nightmare still clings to his mind, haunting him. Another flash of lightning illuminate the room in blinding light. Jeno lets out a frightened cry and buries his face into his pillow. Even his breaths tremble. 

And then he hears a distinct howl outside of his window.

Jeno immediately sprints downstairs and opens his front door open, he knows who's waiting outside.

The wolf has seen better days. It's fur is thin and clings to its frame like a windbreaker in a gale. Even from several yards away Jeno can count its ribs. Its movements falter as it pads forward, as if each step pains it.

Those hazel eyes that should be scanning for danger or opportunities to eat doesn't rose from the cloud-fed mud. Then just yards away it tumbles to the ground as if it meant to lie down but couldn't coordinate its limbs. 

Jeno runs towards it without hesitation. He feels guilty that while he was busy wallowing in guilt and pettily worrying about nightmares, he forgot his friend.

Its fur is uncharacteristically coarse when Jeno strokes its back. It doesn't even mewl when he half carries/half drags it back towards his house and into his tiled kitchen.

"Hey I'm so sorry, I couldn't go out tonight." He whispers as he continues to stroke the wolf, it only mewls in response, "What happened?" 

Naturally, the mutt doesn't respond- only choosing to nuzzle against Jeno's hand. He thinks back to the stupid thought back at the alleyway. Jaemin as a wolf?

_Impossible._

Yet as he continues to study the wolf's features, he continues to find uncanny resemblances. The scent, for one. He always wrote it off to the wolf being damp from the rain, but even when it hadn't rained for days, both the wolf and Jaemin always smelt like the slightly acidic and fresh scent of rain.

And then the eyes. Granted the wolf's eyes are a lot bigger and rounder than the human, they held knowledge that only human could possess. And Jaemin's eyes, they were too vibrant and unique to be a mere human's.

"Jaemin."

The wolf stills. 

"I know."

 

* * *

 

 

"Hyung, this has to stop."

All day long Jeno has been sitting at his mini 'office' desk, paper work piling higher and higher. 

Tax.

National Insurance.

Utility Bills.

The list goes on. He usually has Renjun helping him go through these things, but he's not here now so he's stuck pulling his hair in frustration alone.

Jeno takes his glasses off, rubbing his eyes in fatigue.

"What do you mean?" He looks up at Chenle, who looks worried as he'd ever seen him.

"You've not been sleeping or eating."

Jeno scoffs, "That's an exaggeration."

The younger rolls his eyes, "You know what I mean. Do you think Renjun hyung-"

"Don't." He suddenly glowers, "Don't pretend you know what Renjun would think."

"But I  _do_! He wouldn't want to see you wasting away like this."

"Stop being dramatic. I've just been having some off days that's all." Jeno softens his gaze and tone at Chenle, "Sorry for making you worry. I promise I'll do better. It's just..."

"It's hard not knowing where Renjun hyung is." Chenle finishes for him, pulling up a chair opposite his hyung. "But you know him. He wouldn't disappear just like that. Without an explanation."

Jeno looks up, "That's not what I'm worried about. 'Cuz I don't think it was his choice that he disappeared."

Time ticks by, "What do you mean?"

Not wanting to alarm the younger further, Jeno omits his opinion, "Nothing, forget about it. Brat, why don't you help hyung instead with these. I haven't done maths in years and my brain is killing itself from the inside out."

Chenle laughs in response and just like that, the mood lightens.

Well, that is until the door to the shop opens and he sees a familiar figure walk in.

"Jaemin-" Jeno's eyes widen in surprise, chair scraping the ground as he stands up. "What are you doing here?"

Since  _the night,_ neither the wolf nor Jaemin had showed up, almost avoiding Jeno altogether. Jeno didn't respond all too happily to that - and not just because the shop had been getting less help from Jaemin. Jeno shows his displeasement by crossing his arms and stubbornly staying where he is. The tension is thick in the air

Oblivious, Chenle stays out of it.

"Chenle's been the one helping me, your help is no longer-"

"I think I know where Renjun is."

 

 


	7. Not an update

So sorry to do this to you guys - especially when I hate it when authors do this to their readers like-

-

But I have my AS level exams coming and I really need to focus on those instead.

I have so many drafts in my accounts (also for other fics) and sooooo much revision to do that rn I'm overwhelmed.

So, meaning that I won't be able to update for a while - MUCH TO MY ABSOLUTE DISAPPOINTMENT!

Hopefully I'll be back soon and hopefully none of you guys will bail on me during this hiatus.

See you on the other side and please pray for me y'alls!

\- Carebealeu


	8. Jaemin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A peek at Jaemin's head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOW LISTEN UP THESE PEOPLE:  
> @chenchen_99  
> @HouseOfCardsFalling  
> @Heywhathewhatisthat  
> @emberlocket  
> @ArtemisCL  
> @longassride  
> @Akira  
> YOUR COMMENTS- OH MY GOSH -THEY LEGIT ALMOST MADE ME CRY LIKE AHHHH  
> YOU GUYS ARE SO SWEET AND KIND AND I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU GUYS TO REPAY YOU.  
> SO I'M DOING A CAMEO RAFFLE :)  
> BASCIALLY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PM ME ON TUMBLR:  
> https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dearstress  
> ... WITH HOW YOU WANT ME TO WRITE YOU IN, YOUR NAME, YOUR AGE, YOUR APPREARANCE ETC AND I WILL INCORPORATE YOU IN.  
> I WOULD LOVVVEEEE TO DO ALL OF YOU BUT AT THE MOMENT I CAN ONLY DO ONE (MAYBE IN THE FUTURE I CAN DO SOME MORE).  
> I HOPE THIS IS OK :)

I lay in the rain, a little red puddle of warm going icy, encompassed by wolves. They were licking me, gnawing me, prodding at my body, squeezing in. Their clustered bodies obstructing the unforgiving raindrops. Water glinted on their ruffs and their breath made hazy shapes that lingered palpably around us. The musky scents possessed a smell reminiscent to burning leaves, damp earth and the salty sea- all wonderful and frightening. Their tongues licked at my skin; their sharp teeth tore at my sleeves and caught through my hair, pushed against my collarbone, the hallow at my neck.

I could have shouted, yet I didn't. I could have fought, yet I didn't. I simply lay there and let it happen, gazing at the dark clouds cry and thunder above me.

One wolf goaded his nose into my hand and against my cheek, throwing a shadow over my face. His eyes studied mine while the other two wolves yanked and nipped at me.

I held those eyes for whatever length of time that I could. Yellow. What's more, very slightly, spotted splendidly with each shade of gold and hazel. I didn't want him to go, and he didn't. I wanted to touch and seize a his ruff, yet my hands remained twisted on my chest, my arms solidified to my body.

I couldn't remember what it felt like to be warm.

At that point he was gone, and without him, the other wolves closed in, too close, chokingly close. Also, with my torso and surroundings finally visible, I could see that my body was all blood and odd angles, the familiar sight of my bike torn to pieces nearby.

There was no sun; there was no light. I was dying. The agony gradually began to sneak in.

Yet, I didn't die. I was lost to an ocean of ice, and afterwards I was renewed into a universe of warmth.

I remembered this: his yellow eyes.

Similar eyes I see and cover everyday in myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just finished my first exam - to anyone who did CIE AS Geography TALK TO ME!  
> It was actually pretty alright, thank you again to everyone that wished me luck and prayed.  
> And no, I'm still not back to my normal schedule, I just had a little break as my next exam isn't until the 15th.


	9. Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaemin reveals himself in memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations to Artemis for winning the Cameo roulette!  
> Thank you for making me fall in love with Cheung-ie as I create him!

It's almost comical how quickly Jeno snaps his mouth shut and how high Chenle squeaks. In 2 seconds, Jeno is at Jaemin's side, ready to demand some answers.

"What do you mean?"

Jaemin gulps audibly, "I have to show you something first," Jeno furrows his brows, still sceptical, "I know I've disappeared on you for a bit, but I swear that was because I was trying to look for Renjun. Turns out I really didn't have to look far... Can- can your friend give us some privacy?"

Chenle's eyes widen at being called out, lips between his teeth in nerves.

"I can go-"

"No." Jeno stands his ground, "Whatever you have to show me, you show him. He's Renjun's friend too."

Jaemin looks like he's in battle with himself, battle which is ultimately lost when he sees Jeno's eyes filled with a lot of hope and a little bit of desperation. He sighs in defeat, reaching out for Jeno's and Chenle's hands. Both are equally reluctant to oblige but with a nod of encouragement from Jaemin, they've formed a circle with their hands linked.

"Whatever I show you, you've got to vow not to tell anyone. Please. It's a- I have to be sure our secret's safe with you."

Jeno looks at Chenle to see him holding his gaze with the same determination, "You have our word.-"

And then they're gone.

 _Cheung is slumped at the breakfast table, his brows creased and face tense. When Mum sits, coffee in hand, she asks "What's up?" her tone casual and light._  
  
_Cheung scowls at his scrambled eggs, "I don't know whether to do basketball or swimming. I like both but I only see Areum at swimming."_

_"You're like 5. Stop following girls around you brat." I say, sitting down to ruffle his green hair. I grimace, feeling the stickiness of the gel, "Lay it down on this gunk will ya?"_

_Cheung only whines, snapping my arms away._  
  
_"Nana, leave your brother alone." Mum takes another sip and then continues, serious faced, "I see, well, which one are you better at? Which one do you want more? Your swim coach told me he wants to move you down to the Beginner lessons. Says you don't focus that much, that true?"_  
  
_Cheung's face crumples again, "I don't know!"_  
  
_Mum makes her face straighter than a poker player and says, "Cheung, you're not going swimming." For a fraction of a second the corners of Cheung's mouth twitch downwards. Then Mum says "Actually, no, you're not going to basketball either. I don't like Tyler's mother." Her face is serious all the way from her eyes to her mouth, no pleasure at all, not even masked._

_I can only snicker at the thought of Mum bickering with other mums while waiting for their kids to finish from Basketball practise._

_"OK," Mum says, "We'll finish this set of swim lessons-but I agree to switching you in the lower class-" She raises her finger in warning when Cheung open his mouth, "Then switch to just basketball when this season is over. You can still see Areum every week, OK honey?"_

_Cheung, apparently appeased, kisses Mum on the cheeks and hits me on the back._

_"Brat!"_

_"Hurry! Kinder 'garden' starts soon and it's storytime this morning!"_

_I smile despite myself at the cute mistake. I opt for pinching his chubby cheeks - something he isn't too happy about as he starts whining almost instantly. I devour the rest of my eggs, "Let's go then Cheung-ie."  
_

_It saddens me sometimes how fast he grows. I remember the first time Mum and dad first took him home._

_Mum was cradling the baby, him, like he was the most precious thing in the world. Which in many ways, he certainly is._

_Around his shoulders was his baby quilt, worn as a cape might be, as if all those cosy memories of him being sung to and talked to while he was in Mum's engorged tummy gave him superpowers. He had eyes that shone like pebbles washed by the ocean waves and a smile that ignited inner laughter in all who saw._

_I loved him in that instant._

_Nowadays, he's getting more petulant each day and has somehow learnt how deep my love went for him and uses it to his advantage every damn time._

_We both bid our Mum goodbye as we leave, his and I's helmet under each of my arm._

_At the sight of this he frowns, "That headcage ruins my hair. I spent so- Nana!"_

_I laugh as I continue to scrub at his head, "Now it's ruined. May as well wear it."_

_I wrestle him into the helmet, straddling my Moped and carrying him to the front while facing me._

_"Hold tight buddy!"_

_"Not too faaaaaaaa~"_

 

_When we get to the entrance of his (overpriced) pre-school, he's still koala-ed into my torso, looking determined in burrying himself to my jacket._

_"I'm telling Mum you went over the speed limit." He mumbles to my shirt, tightening his hold on me._

_I only smile, supporting him from under as we both get off the Moped._

_"Come on buddy, people are staring. You don't wanna get teased about hanging out with a lame-o like me. Here." I untangle his fingers, shrugging his tiny, baby blue back pack from my back. A spaceship themed backpack against my black leather jacket is usually my aesthetic when I'm with him._

_"I don't think Nana is lame." He whispers, rubbing his eyes after taking his helmet off and turning around so I can put his bag on him. Ever since I got my Moped license on my 16th birthday, this has been our daily routine. We know now what to do without even looking._

_I take the helmet off him, hanging it on one of the handlebars, "Thanks bud. Now go join your friends, I think they're waiting."  
_

_I was about to go when he suddenly hugs me by the knees. "Sorry about being a brat this mornin'. Love you Nana."  
_

_I freeze, my heart slowly melting. "Love you too Cheung-ie"_

_It's a perfect day. I don't know what went wrong._

_I put my helmet on and watch as instead of joining his friends, Cheung gets distracted on the street._

_He runs after something - someone - I don't know._

_And then I see the car. Without a thought, I drive forward, hitting the car to swerve it to the nearest alleyway._

_It starts to rain and the clouds cover the sky._

_Everyone rushes towards the family in the car._

_I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry._

_It was going to hit Cheung-ie._

_The little boy is crying, running around screaming Nana._

_The day is spent trying to rescue the family in the car after the collision._

_The moped is on the street, my body hidden in the alleyway._

_I lay in the rain,_

_waiting for people to help_

_a little red puddle of warm going icy,_

_"What are you?"_

_encompassed by wolves. They were licking me, gnawing me, prodding at my body, squeezing in._

_"Stop. Where's my little brother?"  
_

_Their clustered bodies obstructing the unforgiving raindrops. Water glinted on their ruffs and their breath made hazy shapes that lingered palpably around us. The musky scents possessed a smell reminiscent to_

_burning leaves,_

_damp earth and_

_the salty sea- all_

_wonderful_

_and_

_frightening. Their tongues licked at my skin; their sharp teeth tore at my sleeves and caught through my hair, pushed against my collarbone, the hallow at my neck._

_I could have shouted, yet I didn't. I could have fought, yet I didn't. I simply lay there and let it happen, gazing at the dark clouds cry and thunder above me._

_One wolf goaded his nose into my hand and against my cheek, throwing a shadow over my face._

_His eyes_

_studied mine while the other two wolves yanked and nipped at me._

_I held those eyes for whatever length of time that I could. Yellow. What's more, very slightly, spotted splendidly with each shade of gold and hazel. I didn't want him to go, and he didn't. I wanted to touch and seize a his ruff, yet my hands remained twisted on my chest, my arms solidified to my body._

_I couldn't remember what it felt like to be warm._

_At that point he was gone, and without him, the other wolves closed in, too close, chokingly close. Also, with my torso and surroundings finally visible, I could see that my body was all blood and odd angles, the familiar sight of my bike torn to pieces nearby._

_Yellow, block off tape everywhere too._

_Cheung-ie!_

_There was no sun; there was no light. I was dying. The agony gradually began to sneak in._

_Yet, I didn't die. I was lost to an ocean of ice, and afterwards I was renewed into a universe of warmth._

_My bones cracked and elongated._

_I howled._

_It hurts._

_I'm alive..._

 

 

_I remembered this: his yellow eyes._

_Similar eyes I see and cover everyday in myself._

 

 

 

"No!"

Jeno broke the circle, sobbing.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know! I should be revising, but I honestly couldn't help myself.  
> Also, someone from the comments really put things into perspective for me. You know who you are. Thank you.


	10. The truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeno lives Jaemin's past.

Jeno feels raw and vulnerable.

Not  _him_ personally, but like he's in Jaemin's body and feeling everything that Jaemin's feeling. It's the most extraordinary thing that ever happened to him.

Even after he's let go of Jaemin's touch, Jaemin's past still grips his consciousness.

He's transported to the night Jaemin gets turned into one of  _them._

Animals.

_But you played with one of them before._

He's transported to the time when Jaemin is crying outside their house, observing his own family fall apart as they try to look for their lost son. 

 

 _"You have to find him! He might be lost somewhere, so confused. My baby. He needs me..." Mother cries against the police, Cheung at the top of the stairs, confused and heartbroken. He's old enough to understand that his brother's disappearance has something to with him. For the first time, he experiences what it's like to utterly_ _want to be_ gone.  _He believes that t_ _his is his fault. He just wanst Jaemin back._

_The sight breaks Jaemin's heart. So he runs away, away from his family, away from his pack._

_When he returns several months later, his family has moved with no trace._

 

He feels Jaemin's confusion and growing resentment at the start of his rebirth.

 

_For the first time in his life, he finds himself alone. A huddled heap of ripped jeans and torn coats, he sits alone and utterly terrified in the darkness. The dark consume his frail form. His mother isn't there to soothe his fears, nor is Cheung to tell him stories. It's just him, alone in a strange place with strange people._

 

He's transported to a place with loud screams and accusatory blames.

 

_"Why did you turn me Mark?"_

_"Jaemin you were dying!"_

_"You should've left me to die..."_

 

He relives Jaemin's whole life.

And then he witnesses the events of yesterday unfold.

The scenes burn the back of his eyelids.

 

_A beast is mauling Renjun's mangled body through the door- all odd angles and covered in mud._

_"Wait, is that?-"_

_"Jaemin I need Mark hyung now!"_

_"Ok-ok"_

_All thoughts apart from the immediate danger flee, steps leading further into the house to look for the Alpha._

_Jisung can change Renjun, but that would mean starting his own pack, denouncing his old one. A direct challenge to Mark. Jisung changing Renjun would mean his death._

_Jaemin finds Mark and as soon as their eyes meet, the older senses an immediate issue._

_"What's wrong?"_

_He's on his feet in an instant, ever attuned to his pack members._

_"Hyung, you need to change someone."  
_

_Mark's eyes blaze at the request, "I can't. You know I can't"_

_There's an unspoken conversation that goes between them. Mark has always felt like he's playing God whenever he intervenes with death._

_'Bringing someone back to life' as he puts it._

_"Hyung, you have to. Please."_

_Mark's eyes immediately narrow. "It's not. It's not_ him  _is it?"_

_Jaemin softens. After all this time, his pack leader still looks out for him. Selfless to the core._

_"No, not Jeno. But it's his friend and he's we're losing him . Please. I don't ask a lot of you but as your second-in-command, I beg of you. He'll never forgive me if I let Renjun die..."_

_And that's all it takes for Mark's resolve to break. He remembers the very first time Jaemin was welcomed to his pack. He was the newest addition yet Mark still chose him to be his beta- smart, compassionate Jaemin who pours all his love and energy into the pack._

_"Okay." He nodded as Jaemin sighed in relief, "Where is he?"_

_Jaemin leads him back towards where Jisung- still in his wolf- and Renjun awaits. Mark stills as soon as he takes a whiff of a strong pinewood scent._

_"He died in the woods." Mark surmises, the scent strongly gripping his consciousness, almost sending him to change. He's never had such a violent reaction to someone's smell before. "_ _And he'll be brought to life here. As part of this pack."_

_When Mark turns to Jaemin, he's already changed, he follows suit, letting the familiar feeling of the transformation take him until he's landed on ground on four paws._

_The three stalk forwards to Renjun, nipping at his skin and licking, letting their DNA mix with his wounds. It doesn't take long before the boy's body convulses. Bones crackling._

_Jaemin turns away. He doesn't want to see this. He knows that they're saving his life, but a new transformation always brings him back to the time he bid his old life goodbye._

_Once it's done, Renjun whimpers in his new form, later howling in confusion. Mark beats him into submission with a forceful thrust of his snout- a blatant show of dominance so the new wolf can imprint on their pack leader. The new bond forms as they all feel a new presence in their link. Like a new mental consciousness in their head._

_It is done._

 

 Jaemin coaxes Jeno back to reality with hushed whispers of apology.

Chenle is long gone, carried by Jisung. His body and mind exhausted, even though he didn't feel the mental connection as deep as Jeno did- only catching glimpses and fleeting feelings from his past. Nothing as graphic and clear like Jeno experienced. But then again, he's not Jaemin's mate- Jeno is.

The thought sends a dangerous flare of possessiveness in Jaemin's heart.

"I need to see him." Jeno's voice is hoarse, body unsure whether to free himself of Jaemin's touch or seek it.

"You will, but his body is still healing. It's important that he stays cooped up within our..."

"Pack. You can say it. Don't- don't feel the need to hide yourself from me." Jeno doesn't know what prompts him to say that. Maybe it's because he experienced the harrowing loneliness Jaemin has felt for so long, just trying to accept himself but consequently hiding it anyway. His heart breaks for the other.

His mother always did say his compassion is endless.

"Thank you. You don't know how much that means to me."

Jeno looks him in the eye, the eyes that he relived Jaemin's life through,

"But that's the thing. I do."

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!
> 
> I'm so sorry if this update is so disappointing for you guys oh my gosh what is this chapter uhfnerhfbelrb.  
> I have a week break before my next exam and wanted to update in between but now I think it's not such a good idea cuz I just spout such rubbish writing when I rush. Maybe I'll take this down later, idkkkk I know I can do better than this what's wrong with me.  
> Anyways, I hope some of you guys at least like this chapter???  
> Maybe???  
> I'm nervous babbling ahhhhh.  
> Love you guys!


	11. RANT/FACE REVEAL

Guess who didn't get BTS tickets this morning?

Has anyone got any tickets for London for 2 reasonably priced?

 

EDIT: Legit a face reveal


	13. Give Away

As you know, A level results have been published last week, and let's just say, I didn't do well and will have to do another year.

This is not what I envisioned for myself (as a student who was originally predicted 3 As) and as a consequence, I'd have to make sacrifices... AO3 being one of them.

I want to thank all of you for reading this little fic and the few who has followed my journey through AO3.

However, I don't want IDSLA to end here with me, so I will be passing it on to another author. I am still looking for one, so if anyone is willing, just DM me on tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/dearstress

Thank you again so much, and I am so sorry.

I love you all!

 


	14. Next Chapter

The next few chapters will be written by another author, just like I said, and we finally have one!

Head over to her next chapter: <https://archiveofourown.org/works/15937889/chapters/37164065> and please go and support!!! 

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave comments down below, let me know what you think. Thanks for reading!


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